Writing 101, Day Three: Let the emotions or memories connected to three songs carry you.
I listened to each song in full with my eyes closed, and then proceeded to write whatever that came to my mind during which.
Track: Drumming by Florence And The Machine
It fills my head up and it gets louder and louder.
Have you ever been so consumed by your thoughts that you wished there was a switch to flip it off? I remember some nights when my inner voice seem to be on steroids, keeping me away from my sleep. Some nights, I would be on the brink of pulling strands of hair out from the follicles. Some nights, I would try meditating and fail miserably. Some nights, I admonish myself aloud as though I was schizophrenic. Some nights, I pretend to count sheep like a child in his cot.
It is a wonder, isn’t it? Our minds. It allegedly makes us, humans, unique. (I use ‘allegedly’ because I am pretty sure my dogs have serious attitude problems and are conscious of many things.) I know that cognition is great and all; allowing us to think and contemplate decisions and repercussions. Sometimes though, I wonder if it does more harm on our psyche. Don’t you realise how tough we are on ourselves? Have you ever stood in front of a mirror and go, “Oh my, you look like a greek god. Change nothing about yourself. You are so awesome, don’t even bother tidying up your hair. Who needs grooming when you look like Narcissus?” We hold ourselves to impossible standards; acknowledge our own stupidity in doing so; and yet are unable to do anything about it. Or is it just me?
Track: We Might Be Dead By Tomorrow by Soko
But if you are not ready for love, then how could you be ready for life?
I find it funny that when contemplating death, we obsess over having loved or having been loved. What is this preoccupation with love? I remember writing something about our existential purpose being one that is to find our soul mate. If that is the case, I find it disconcerting that I’m expected to do so many things that does not revolve around this concept. Why am I even spending tens of thousands on a piece of documentation that says ‘B.Soc.Sci’? Why would I be wasting my time away working instead of going out there and finding the proverbial ‘one’?
Perhaps I’m just being bitter about being single. And then I realise that I am single by choice. Perhaps the actual reason for my acridity could be because I have not figured out how to love myself yet. Yeah, I think that sounds about right. Maybe that’s why I constantly feel like I am not living. I am not ready for life, perhaps because I am not ready for love. Damn it, Soko! I really was not looking for a reality check. It’s time I start doing something about that, but how?
Track: Glass by Gavin Degraw
It never should have started.
He was awoken by the sharp pain in his right shoulder blade. He stirred and groggily opened his eyes to the morning sun filtering through the curtains. ‘Oh shit,’ he mouthed. No, it was not shock. It was a concoction of disappointment, self-deprecation, and guilt. He carefully slipped his left arm from under her grip and rolled over onto his back. Instinctively he grabbed onto his cramped shoulder blade and cracked his neck for temporary relief. This was the exact situation he had wanted to avoid. This was the sole reason for the serious talk they had the night before.
I hope deep down that you know, that I was glass too.
He looked into her eyes with a solemn expression. “I’m not ready for anything serious. I can’t be in a relationship for now,” he said. Her face crumbled before his very eyes. She questioned if it had anything to do with the emotional baggage that she came with. She was fragile, but she was not the only one. He had been struggling with his own insecurities himself. “No, it has nothing to do with that. I promise. You know what they say about loving yourself before you can love another. Yeah, I’m in that trench right now. I have to figure out how to do me before I can even think about another person right now. It wouldn’t do you justice,” he explained. But why was she still crying. There were not many things that he could not handle; but tears was one of them. He embraced her in consolation. Then she kissed him.