Because I am free.

“WTF is going on?”

“My life is going to shit;
and I’m going down with it.”

I am in the midst of a mental breakdown. I wish I could so eloquently put down the circumstances leading up to my exigency. But as I try to type what I had pieced together in my head, while I had tried to mourn my flailing self-control, the monologue now escapes me. 

What I can tell you, though, is that I am not taking my transition (from a bum to a full-time university student) too well. Let’s forget about the grades; the assignments or the number of horrible group projects that are just intensifying as the semester draws closer to the hellish finals. Let’s forget about the countless readings I haven’t had the time to do. Let’s forget about my commitments to extra-curriculars or even the fact that I have barely made any new friends at all. How is it that I only had to juggle my school life with my almost non-existent social life, and yet have found myself to have a dramatically diminished ‘me’ time? I am not doing ‘me’ justice. I haven’t had as much time to devote to physical activities as I had previously –coupled with my non-diet, diet, my pants seem to be only getting tighter. As I stepped on the weighing scale, the entirety of my being went into panic mode.

So, ever since, there has only ever been one clear thought on my consciousness –“I need a goddamn cigarette!”

Just yesterday, I descended into a new low point in my life. I spent the entire day desperately failing at stealing a couple of cigarettes from my father. I felt myself become angry because he was inadvertently not letting his cigarettes out of his sight. Why was the universe acting against me? Even now, I am contemplating over buying a pack of sin of my own. And now that I have typed it out, the desire is starting to overwhelm my senses.

I see and feel myself holding one of those alluring death sticks.
I can taste the unpleasantly savoury nicotine.
I can smell the smoke that lingers in the air around me.
And I most certainly long for the sweet relief that comes along with every inhalation and ensuing exhalation of carbon monoxide. 

Now is a great time to mention that it has been slightly over half a year since I kicked the habit. Now, that may not seem like a very long time, unless you are on my end of the it. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy that I am no longer a smoker. I love it. But that doesn’t mean that the cravings have gone away completely (think alcoholic). I have had it under control all these while. I would remind myself of how liberating it was to be free of smoke; how much more money I was saving from not buying cigarettes; how I am in control of my life; how I am not under the control of anything but myself. Every now and then, when these nasty cravings appear, I reproach myself and consciously make a decision to suppress them.

Ironic, isn’t it?
I am purportedly ‘free’, yet I am constantly subjugated by these cravings.
Now, more so than ever.

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7 thoughts on “Because I am free.

  1. Susan says:

    Hi I am using ecigs it has a battery & a cartomiser all it is vapour which is steam if your interested look it up on the net you have no tobacco, no nicotine but you can get nicotine if you want that way u get the hand to mouth action l love it, l use nicotine, not had a smoke in 4 months because l get the same as l normally would with a smoke this way it is A LOT CHEAPER & HEALTHIER
    Cheers Susan..

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    • Hi Susan! Unfortunately, eCigarettes are banned in Singapore. Big Brother’s rationale is that there are insufficient studies to prove the health benefits or side effects of eCigs. But we all know that they would rather maintain the billions of dollars in revenue from tobacco tax.

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  2. I wish I could help, but I guess I can only wish you that you regain your ground speedily. Of course I don’t know how you feel, but as a former smoker and college student, I have a rough idea…

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  3. Susan says:

    That is a shame that it is banned, it’s a pity u can’t get any & use them in your house, but it’s against the law so you don’t want to break the law, if it were to get banned in Australia l would end up back on the real cigs.

    All the best to you for trying not have any of the real smokes, l know how hard it is to not to have any, l have tried many times to give up.

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  4. G’day JR,
    You poor dear, I empathise completely, I have been clean now for 27 months, after smoking for over fifty years. I had tried everything including medical intervention all without success, until I retired from the workforce, from then the cost was impossible to maintin without a wage to support the habit. I went for a holiday to my Aunt’s home in the countryside, she lived 40 k’s from the nearest shops, staying for a week without a cigarate, and realising that if i told myself I didn’t need one I just wanted one it made more sense so I made a vow that no matter what I would never have another. Yu are well on your way, I also put on weight for the first 12 months, my Doctor would not allow me to diet for a year, as he said the stress of dieting could be the one thing to make me give in to the cravings. The point I am trying to make, is I have now lost the weight, and the cravings have diminished, albeit I would be lieing if I said they had gone, they come every now and again, but it’s easier to dismiss them for what they are, & thank the good lord that it will pass, unlike when one is a smoker a cigarette never satisfies for long.
    Good luck with it

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